Couples and Conflict Resolution: Recommendations

In most cases, and when certain couples that have already thought of everything and have failed to resolve their conflicts there are a lot of questions that come to mind, among which may be the following:

  • Does he/she no longer love me?
  • What did I do?
  • What if I promise him/her to change?
  • Will he take me back?
  • Does he/she have someone else?
  • Will I have to humiliate myself?
  • How do I apologize?
  • What do I do so he/she can forgive me?
  • Now, how do I live without him/her?
  • Why do I have to change myself, why not him/her?
  • Why did I do it?
  • Does he/she you want a divorce?

For couples to solve their conflicts they must develop intimacy and validation. Intimacy means opening up and telling things that, in other circumstances, might be used against any party, entitled to some fact checking by the other. Validation on the other hand, suggests: Respect, (understanding, acceptance of the other, one among many others)

Is it true that men are from Mars and women from Venus? There are many arguments that have emerged when it comes to gender relations, even some say it is better to avoid the issue in the same way as with politics and religion; anyway some say it’s unnecessary to wear off and men and women come from different worlds. But is it really impossible for men and women to effectively build relationships based on understanding? What do you think?

The great little detail is that, according to some authors, a woman’s brain works differently than a man’s brain. Another detail is that both men and women have been brought up as if they came from different planets. Even if you take into account the difference in the brains and education as an excuse or obstacle, the important thing here would be for each of both in the couple is in disposition and wants to repair the relationship.

To keep on the comment on if women are from Venus and men from Mars, Spanish scientist Francisco J. Blonde, who in 2007 published “The sex of the brain,” he said in that work, which was published in “Today Subjects” that there is a female brain and a male brain in a different configuration “that determines the capabilities, behaviors and characteristics of each sex” and explains how the nervous system of both sexes is, their differences and how they translate these into the real world.

While studying in Boston, I heard several times my anatomy professor saying that men had a little box in the brain. He called it “The Nothing Box” where supposedly some men have the ability to insulate to keep their mind in blank when they are anxious, stressed, angry, among others. He also said that women did not have one of these boxes, rather what they have is a group of many wires sparking all intermingling (synapses). Maybe that’s why it is said that women can do more than two things at once, and that man usually only one or two.

With the above, I have to research on how true it is, and how big is the difference between men and women when interpreting emotions and gestures, in addition to taking the phrase “the nothing box” to explain the difference in brains.

Some women may be inquired into: Why is it that when you see or think you see that your partner is angry, or thoughtful, and you ask, what’s wrong? What are you think of? Most of the time the answer is “nothing.” He instead asks: Why are you thinking that I’m angry or thoughtful?, I’m not even thinking about anything, I’m rested. Then you will go back to ask the same thing about 3 times, doing that now, he really gets angry.

Some men also might ask: Why is it so difficult for them to believe that there’s nothing wrong, is it just for fun poking? She asked and I answered, that’s annoying, I better leave for a while to distract myself.

See how easily conflicts could start? Continuing with the brain diferentials, in research, compiled by Dr. Louann Brizendine, neuropsychiatric and author of “The Male Brain (2010) and The Female Brain (2006) she highlights that they both brains  have their differences from birth , childhood, adolescence and adulthood, but eventually they begin to resemble because of the decline of hormones that cause aging.

The author mentions: “This is one of the most attractive fields of science: to know how the mass of neurons we call the brain works. Why mysterious reason it not just only handles all aspects of our lives, but also can express in ways as diverse as it does in men and women. Because in recent years, with the best technologies to study this organ, science has been able to establish with greater certainty the gender differences when thinking, feeling and acting.”

This specialist from the University of California, in San Francisco, seeks to clarify those inexplicable outbursts of aggression when men handle a vehicle, his obsessive fixation with sex, soccer and other sports or his insatiable appetite for violent movies, or the best of her communication skills, ability to empathize and read emotions and talent to soften conflicts. According to Brizendine, there is no option in these cases, since they and they are wired to do so.

Continuing the above issue on “The Nothing Box”, I imagine that possibly one or some of you were looking forward to it. That investigation of the Harvard Medical School found that parts of the frontal lobe, which regulates the functions of decision-making and problem solving, it was proportionally larger in women. Thus 3 men and 3 women were taken into a Gesell Room where they were 10 people. They asked these people to express in his face (gestures) different emotions. Apparently the 3 women guessed all the different emotions and the three men only: anger, happiness, sadness and wrath.

I hope someday we can determine with greater certainty that brains are different, but for now it’s a matter of continuing with the recommendations for the couple; and what to my therapeutic practice concerns, I sense that it is not the difference of brains. Do animals have different brains than human beings? So: why sometimes either the man or the woman is better in the company of your pet? What a dilemma, right? When you come to think about it.

The couple and Conflict Resolution: Recommendations

The basis of the understanding is mutual acceptance. Sometimes there are couples that enter vicious circles where they compete for the other side to think and act like he or she, in most cases they even impose their criteria or threaten if the expected changes are not achieved. Below I list three examples of some of the recommendations offered in The Psychology’s Office for better relationship.

  1. Comprehension: Listen and pay attention to your partner…
  2. Acceptance: Accept your partner as someone who has his or her own personality and identity. Remember you love a person more when you begin to accept.
  3. Mark the spaces (limits). It is important that neither party fall into extremes.

There are still many recommendations that provide what will be shared during the therapeutic process. In conclusion it can be said that understanding is a matter of both emotional and intellectual, is to align both with the thoughts and the feelings of the couple, to increase their self-worth. When the feeling of worth begins to spread in your relationship, then you have begun to make understanding a relationship style. You’re cordially invited to share your situations.

Sex on the Brain (Deborah Blum), The Female Brain (Louann Brizendine), Universities of California and New México;,, Keys to enhance understanding in the couple.

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